The Struggle of Hyper-Fixation
A Unending Side-Quest of an ADHD Author
A Bit of Different Writing
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Today, I’ve got a bit of an even deeper peek behind the curtains, specifically mine. Something that some authors might understand. Some that maybe people with ADHD might understand. The rest can just commiserate and put us on the back. Haha.
This isn’t because I have struggled lately with keeping up anything outside of writing. Definitely not. It’s not like I abandoned anything. I just struggle with social media and it’s the first thing that’s thrown to the back when my brain starts to fixate. I don’t mean to. I promise. T.T
So, let me start off by saying, I am in no way a medical professional. I do have diagnosed ADHD. I have medication that I do take for it. I also have coping mechanisms in place as well in order to help straighten my brain out just normally. So everything that I’m about to put in here, is just me personally. It’s not advice or anything. I’m the last person anyone should be taking advice from, even I know that.
What is ADHD?
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
I think we hear it as far more common now than it was before, but I think that’s simply because we realize it’s an issue. It’s not a personality trait. It’s a medical issue. There are also the identifying factors. Those have changed as well, expanded and really been adjusted to what we are still understanding.
When I was a kid, ADHD was the kid in the back of class who caused issues, always talked, couldn’t sit still, have to be doing something or saying something. The wild child. That’s how it was understood for so long. Also that for some reason, it manifested itself more in males than females.
I don’t have that.
I can sit for long periods of time. Usually reading or writing.
I don’t need to be constantly moving.
I don’t need to be butting into conversations (quite the opposite).
Those, to me, were the quintessential issues that ADHD manifested and since I didn’t have any. Well…that meant I didn’t have it. Right? Riiiiight?
Wrong.
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It’s funny how social media has simultaneously disconnected us from the world, but connected us in so many ways. Instagram is pretty much my main social media platform (I don’t have TikTok and I don’t think I ever will, simply because Instagram is enough for me. Too much at times). And it’s connected us by separating this wall of feeling like we are oversharing.
No, Karen, I don’t want to know that you were sitting on the toilet and thought of this great new bread recipe. It’s too much. Didn’t need to know all of that. (I don’t like Facebook)
BUT, medically speaking, there is so much more that people share that I think we all thought was just…a personally trait and it’s not. It’s a disorder.
The first real understanding and enlightenment I got was actually from Connor.DeWolfe. (I’ll be adding in some of his reels here.) I don’t remember which one was my first, but there are so many of his that I absolutely love. I also sat there and was like…I…do that. All of this. Do I actually have ADHD? It made me question everything about myself and I realized that yeah…I do.
DAVE: Dopamine Attention Variability Executive Disfunction
It’s exactly how it should be called. Because it’s a regulation issue. On all fronts. Which is why I love him picking apart different aspects of what ADHD really can be.
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I think the best way I like to describe it now is that I have Hyperactivity, but it’s my mind, not my body. Whereas others couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t stop thinking. I was always thinking.
“Oh, you’re just overthinking things.”
Yes. Yes, I was. But it wasn’t because of a personality issue. It was literally me not being able to stop the hyperactivity in my head. I struggled in school, but not in the most obvious way. I didn’t like. Didn’t do well on tests. Because we had to focus on the one thing in front of us and my brain was already off somewhere else.
“You’re checked out. You need to be in the present.”
The best way I found my brain to focus was on stories. It started in middle school when it was just too easy to chew through books. Fantasy books were the best because the world building was so immense that it challenged my brain to rethink everything. To build everything. To see everything.
“Get your head out of the clouds. You need to focus on your future."”
Then, as I started getting more and more comfortable within that world, I would set myself in it. What would I be doing? What would my quest be? How would I react? How would it change if it were me? All of these things, happening in my head at all times. Putting myself into these stories and going through sometimes entire lifetimes all in my head.
It’s where I started my writing into fanfiction. Then turning around and starting my own stories from scratch. No matter how good or poorly that went. ^_^ It was the beginning of me starting my journey into writing. That made me fall in love with writing more and more. I was good at it too. For once, I was good at something and I could enjoy something.
“But Mish…I do that too. Everyone does that.”
*blinks*
Does everyone do that?
Have you asked?
Because later on, more recently, I did. Turns out, being able to disassociate from the present and completely remove your mind and set yourself in another world/time/story all while doing something else…is actually not as common as you would think.
Does it make a great writer? World builder? Story teller? Absolutely. Does it make every day just that much harder? Abso-fucking-lutely.
While, I could go on and on about the different issues I have personally. There are quite a few. Some worse than others. None that really manifest physically, but mostly mentally.
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Object permanence - which actually will extend to people
What do I do? Keep a daily check-in going.
Wordle has actually be one of the best ways I don’t lose complete touch with my friends. Because I forgot they are there. And it’s not a matter that I just don’t like them enough or anything like that. No. It’s just literally, I look at something, turn away, and it doesn’t exist anymore.
It happens with anything and anyone. It could be laughed off as silly. That I don’t know where I put my keys when I set them down. Or I forgot that I had made myself a drink in the kitchen. But it extends SO much further than that.
So I have coping machines. Check lists. Daily check ins. Because otherwise, I lose all sight of everything. If I don’t reply to a message that I’ve looked at? Oh, it’s gone. I won’t even think about it again. Even if I drafted a message and just didn’t send it. It’s gone. Bye.
Whether or not it was important.
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Sensory Issues - Yes, this is an ADHD thing as well.
This extends to all senses. All of them.
Tags and certain types of fabrics. When going through a store, needing to touch the clothes to make sure that they are okay to wear. Touching fabric if I’m going to sleep on it or have blank. Couches. Chairs. Cushions. Even the inner-lining of headphones.
It could even be countertops. Wall textures. Plates. Cups. Floor textures. How your hair feels. Your skin feels. Dirt. Fake grass. Literally anything. I have a hard yes or no opinion on and it can possibly ruin my day.
Light, is actually another one you may not think of. Sun is bright. Sure, sun is always bright. But there are going to be certain colors of light bulbs that are horrendous. Or not being able to have it at 100% without getting a headache. Or for me, the biggest one, dark mode on electronics. If it doesn’t have a dark mode, it’s actually a struggle for me to be on a site. Because the brightness level hurts. And actually why I chose the color scheme for my Substack. Hehe.
Utensils. Yes. Some utensils are unusable. I use small spoon, small fork. It’s a struggle when we are all out and I have to use their larger sized ones. There is a level of mouthfeel that needs to go into it. It’s just a thing.
People touching me. It’s a thing. I’ll actually go into it a little more below.
Sounds. I’m okay with loud sounds or lots of it. But it is certain sounds that I have issues with. And I’m not talking about an air horn or microphone levels. Those are just annoying. It might be the way a person speaks. Or how a person sings. It might be how a car sounds or fucking styrofoam. The devil’s true torture. Plastic rubbing up against each other. Metal rubbing. Weird stuff that just hits a nerve and makes you want to lose your mind.
It’s silly. It seems silly. But it can absolutely make me go from a smile to an agitated anxious mess within moments.
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Procrastination - Oh, it’s a thing.
Part of the inability to regulate side of ADHD is having to thrive constantly in a fight or flight scenario. Part of it is chasing that dopamine, which is within the DAVE. It’s also dealing with adrenaline and working under pressure.
A deadline is great because you’ll get stuff done so quick. However, it puts so much stress on me, on my body, can make me emotional if it doesn’t come out how I want it but it’s too late. It’s can have a whole myriad of issues with it.
Friend coming over in a couple hours? Apartment is spotless.
Writing needing to be done before 10 am when the day switches? Done. Easy and edited.
Bills needing to get paid? I mean, I have to remind myself, but it’s the day of that’s important.
Birthday party stuff, like supplies for school or gifts for other kids? Day of. Maybe day before.
All that to say, getting stuff done is a slog when either you're not in flight or fight mode or your dopamine isn’t poured into it. Because it doesn’t matter until then. Or if you try to force yourself, you lose your way. Which happens a lot of time with my stories specifically.
Which runs into the biggest one for me and the reason why I finally decided to go and seek some real medical advice was for Hyper-fixation/Hyper-focus.
"A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one."
Hyper-focus & Hyper-fixation
Part of what I run into is what I consider hyper-fixation. It can be hyper-focusing, but for me, I struggle with pulling myself out of it. Which I consider fixation rather than focus.
You can focus on something, and do other things. Which I can at times. It’s a slippery slope though. However, at the level I tend to be, at least when I notice myself starting to slide down…it’s a fixation.
When I was younger, high school and up, I used to call myself a jack of all trades (knowing that what followed was a ‘master of none’). I would and still do, hyper-fixate on different things. Learn that thing. Do that thing. Then once the fixation or the dopamine runs out, it’s pretty much gone.
Cricut making shirts and sweaters.
Binding my own books.
Making my own candles.
Starting a nerdy business.
Building an entire letterman jacket line.
Making blind box figures.
Starting a sticker shop.
Building a mood board.
Learning to draw better.
Doing a children’s book.
Starting my own ceramics shop.
Becoming a VTuber.
Extensive PenPal writing.
The list goes on…
…and on…
…and on…
Some of them never even got off the ground. Some of them I have extensive notes and even contacted companies to get production and how much bulk would cost. Some went so far as I finished the thing. I made the really cool poncho from the Cricut. I binded one of my favorite fanfiction books and a few other things. I have files on files of unused sticker sheets. Supplies for candle making.
And I know what you’re thinking:
“What…the…hell?”
Hahaha. Looking back on it, I mean, I’m right there with you. It’s chasing the dopamine. Something that makes me happy. Either I ran into it on a post, or a video, or something. That THING made me happy. And so I chase the dopamine. I want to be happy too. I want to do that thing that made me happy to watch.
Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you invest in it and sometimes you don’t get off the ground. It’s an ebb and flow of usually something creative. It’s rare that it isn’t creative. It’s something though.
How does this relate to my books.
Well, for one. It would be a hell of a superpower (ADHD in general) IF we could control it. If, somehow, we could harness the power. We can’t. It’s wild. It’s free. It’s a mess. There is zero control over anything. When it hits. What it is. The only semi-control you have is how long it lasts (for me, it ends up needing to have the help of medication).
I am lucky, that I would say about ninety percent of my hyper fixations are with stories. There are stories in my head constantly. Some I ignore because they are terrible and other are ideas I can roughly jot down to think about later.
However, when a spell of hyper-fixation hits, then I’ve been grabbed by the throat. Everything becomes about that story. About the characters. Their lives. Their story. It circulates in my head pretty much 24/7 and I have no control over it.
Is it ever in the story I am currently writing? No. No, it’s not. I think what tends to trigger another story entering my head is when I am struggling with another story. Not struggling as in to write it, but as in, I don’t want to finish it. All my stories are precious to me and sometimes it’s hard to let them go.
Still, how can that be bad? I mean, it means you take a break, write until it wears off and bam, you have a story. And I wish it were as simple as that. This is where I specify between focus and fixation.
When I got into a hyper-fixation, it consumes me. Everything about my ADHD is heightened. So all the issues with regulation reach a peek.
I can’t socialize. I don’t care about anything or anyone else. Not that I don’t want to, I just can't. Nothing matters outside the hyper fixation.
What my kids want to do. What my husband is talking about. What my friends are doing. What I was doing. My work. Everything goes out the window. I lose basically all sense of myself.
I set reminders to eat. To feed my kiddos. Take a shower. Go to bed. Take a breath. Everything that is normal that we do and is part of our daily, get up and go, I need to remind myself to do. Force myself to do and function outside of the hyper fixation. Which is hard. It sucks. My kiddos don’t understand what it means and my husband does but that doesn't mean it’s a struggle when I start drowning in something.
Another thing is sensations are so much worse. I can’t have my hair down my back. Anyone touching me is too much. So I can’t have my kids hugging me, or hold them. I can’t have my husband hug or kiss because the bare minimum touch sends my nerves on over drive and I will literally burst out into tears.
Sounds and lights, so much worse. Most of them time, I have to swap from my computer to my tablet because I can control the dark-mode much easier than on my computer. I also end up doing notes upon notes of writing that all needs to be swapped later. Sounds, I lost my mind. People chewing drives me up the wall. Tapping and other ridiculous sounds dive me bonkers. It’s absolutely nutty.
Being in such a high level of content fight or flight means my emotions run wild. I am quick to cry simply for being frustrated. Or I know I am losing my mind and I just want it to stop, but I can’t. I feel everything but at the same time, I’m not my own person anymore.
“That’s a bit extreme.”
It is.
It seriously is.
And that can last for two days. It can last for two weeks. Again, zero control.
It’s stressful and it sucks. Like sure, I get 70,000 words out within a week or however long it lasts. It’s never the story I’m currently working on. I’ve now neglected myself. My family. My house. Everything. For this one thing.
Coming out of it is harrowing as well. It’s like being thrown back into your body and you're drained. Run dry. Exhausted and tired and you want nothing more than to just…not do anything after.
I can build an entire world, a universe, of characters, all with back stories and their life from birth to death. Hundreds of them. Try out different ways the stories go. Don’t like it, just reply it. Wind it back. Try again.
ADHD is a superpower that comes with limitations and has costs.
Not just to you but those around you as well.
My moments of hyper fixation got worse over time. Just from stress and I think dealing with my own limitations as a person. Which made everything worse and built up this level of almost every other week of fixating on something else.
I finally had to go to a professional. Not being able to hold your little ones, because you burst out crying because they are touching you, isn’t something I would wish on anyone. I now have help!
Medication might not be for everyone. But I had to decide it was worth getting help, outside of the coping mechanisms that I have built up over the years. Since it pretty much took my entire ability to function, it was time to seek more than just instagram help and searching through google. Haha.
The Alpha’s Spitfire Omega was nearly 80,000 words of a hyper fixation that lasted a week long. I was able to finish it and get it out, but it was intense. I spent a lot of hours on the couch, typing on my iPad. During waking and un-waking hours. HAHA.
I didn’t have nearly any throw away or Lost Chapters, simply because I just wrote it straight. Start to finish. It did almost end up being double that word count. I’d also lost the fixation and struggled a bit with how I wanted to wrap it up. But it was, as a whole, a fixation story.
Promises Forgotten, started off as that too. Being in the middle of the struggle of Alpha Desmond. I wrote Promises Forgotten within a ridiculous amount of time. A month I think. There were some changes later on, but it was the fixation on a story that I needed to cleanse myself and focus back on Alpha Desmond.
The most recent one, and why I haven’t been posting as much, is Omega To Four. The Rogue Kings II means so much to me. Nate…and Silas…mean so much to me. Seeing Solaris’ whole dream and final wish come together. Even if it isn’t quite what it seems. It’s a struggle. I want to do the characters justice and the story justice.
My mind wandered to Omega To Four. Which probably won’t be coming out this year. HAHA. It has been a focus though. I’ve been managing it though. So I still have been able to do other things.
We are currently sitting at 40,000 words. However, thats probably only because I’ve been able to manage it a lot better this time around. Which is good!
I also have managed to keep full consistent updates with The Rogue Kings II. A whopping 77,000+ words updated. Being able to stay completely up-to-date. All double chapter updates on the weekends. Everything.
Funny enough, I don’t count my hyper-fixation as me being sick. Some of my regulars might know that I get sick a lot. My immune system is terrible and I ended up being sick twice in July. However, I was able to set up everything ahead of time and no loss.
Which is awesome! I am excited to read everyone's comments and I have been doing my best to keep up with my WhatsApp group for my author page. It’s been a lot of fun and it helps keep me focused on that doing something daily (I do post my wordle in there daily…if anyone wants to join in the wordle fun).
Writing and really, creating stories. Building worlds. It’s something that I love. In that, I’ve found a level of security and using it as a coping mechanism. For a lot of things. And I love it. I love every second of it.
I love also being able to bring it to everyone. No matter how long it takes me. How rough the journey. How crazy the path is. How much more it takes. It doesn’t matter.
Being able to share stories. Even as simple as ones that make you smile. You lose yourself for a couple of hours. Or it becomes something deeper. You think about the characters and their choices a day, a week, or a month later. When you feel for characters. Get angry or cry with. Every little bit, it means everything to me.
Because all my stories are pieces of me. Pieces of my soul that have typed out onto a page, edited and cried over, formatted and cried again, and then let go. I’m so happy I can do. I can be what little Middle School Mish was told she couldn’t be. That she could never do.
With everything that has gone on over the years, kids, sickness, ADHD, life…so much life…but I get to do what I love. I get to write. I get to share that with everyone. With all of you.
I might go silent sometimes.
I might end up being silly and writing a whole other book within a book.
I might lose my mind and write under pressure (again) when I have a deadline.
All in all though, I will always do my best to give 100% of my heart. Of my soul. Of my mind. To the stories and the characters that I create. Who are as real to me as some of my best friends. Who I love dearly and can only hope you love dearly as well.
I am so happy. I see small little notifications of my daily reads. Or comments. Or messages. And they just make so happy.
All to say, I am always trying to do better. Better writing. Better social media *coughs*. Better Substack. Better content. More in depth. More consistent. More of everything! It’s just time, health and my own limitations prevent me from doing do.
However, I look at it this way.
I needed a handicap. I needed a limitation. If I didn’t, I would be able to take over the world.
And no one wants that. ;)
Thank you for my rant. I don’t really know what I wanted to accomplish with this post. Maybe just give some insight. What happens. What IS happening. And probably what is going to continue to happen. HAHA.
There will be another post this week as well! It’s going to be another recipe. Then the update on Friday I believe as well. We shall see how well I get stuff done! I have been sitting on a couple of character profiles. They take so much though. It’s not easy. However, I do want to bring more and I plan to! It’s just there is a lot.
Plus another weekly update. GAH. I want to do all the things! I just need the time.
Trying to do some instagram stuff this week as well. WHO KNOWS.
Thank you all for your support. Your reads. Your comments. Your support. Everything. I love you all so much for it.
I hope this wasn’t took much of a terrible post. If it was. Sorry. Hehe. I tried
<3 Mish
I can probably relate to 75% of those (did not do the actual math, but I might, now that I mentioned it xD), thank you for sharing <3
The model for Kayden was used in another wolf book I read and I cannot unsee it now, haha - of course, the brain decides what it takes away from the post and it’s a random pic, ugh.